Does anyone else have this problem with dating

Thus, achieving intimacy is a brave battle, but it is one well-worth fighting for, each and every day, both within ourselves and, ultimately, within our relationships. Well we cannot force it, can we?! I guess we should have to believe in that. It feels lonely being alone sometimes, but hey cheer up!! Probably there is a good reason. I guess!! Cheer up! Love is not an emotion. It is something we do. Not something we feel. If you want to find love, find someone who is willing to make an effort at a relationship.

Not just being in one, and waiting for some magical feeling to make it perfect. After that wears off, all you have left is communication and effort. Where there is no communication or effort, there is no love. People are too driven by movie love story and assume that BS is going to really happen in reality. Love is work. Constant effort. By both people involved. Hello Ronnie. Can I be your friend?

We are animals, able to roam free when we can not be honed down one individual for the rest of our lives. Just wake up! I Agree.. Why put yourself through that?

I always think. YES , totally agree Roger , at 59 still single but found better not happier to be alone than being in a few in a few bad relationships I had. I was thinking like a little girl for a very long time. Was very uncomfortable to get close to any man…. I have really not had much luck dating.

I am a single mum and been single since my pregnancy. Been single for 3years and taking time to focus on my life career etc. But it is so so hard at times. But not impossible. Hmmm, Well i am older a just got out an 3 yr relationship that just ended beginning this year an totally the best decision I ever made.

Working on myself so when the right one comes can see the real truth which is me inside an out. I ended a seven year relationship a couple of months ago, so I kinda get it.

This thing is not easy. I just have to trust the process. For me i really do not think this is me ,the men i do meet don,t have,,apartments, cars much money they eant to live off me these are the men that approach me ,i recently met a man that lied oh yes they lie and say their single ,they beg me for sex, money ,wanting to move with me they are no men who does thati am so tried of what is going on ,they never have money or car i fo not want anyti7.

I am not financially sound…low income status. Some people stay single because they want to. Some stay single because they want their undivided attention on something other than a relationship. Some stay single becasue they are forced to care for a sick parent. Some stay single to pursue higher education or jobs that will prevent them from focusing on a relationship. Some stay single because of devotion to God. People that are attractive are easier to love, but once that beauty is gone, good luck.

People have a tendency to settle for whatever they think they can get. If those preconceived factors were not prevalent, than there is little chance of a love connection.

It is really sad that people have to have a reason to love others. It is called ego. Anyone can love a beautiful person, but I dare someone to love a ugly poor person with a low IQ, this world is fake and so are most of the people in it. No Richard, it takes work on both sides. Can someone please explain this? And why do women feel so guilty if a man is willing to go out of his way for her? She should feel lucky and happy. I did need that relationship to be healthy enough for me to honestly have expressed my negative opinions of those things rather than lie through my teeth, but what was needed was the effort.

The idea of self-sacrificial giving in action without sacrificing your character or personality is what is key. I agree with you that women today have unrealistic standards for men. As a single guy with a college degree in music with awards with secondary interests and experience in basic construction, physics, literature, philosophy and religion I find myself rather confused that the only women I have ever been able to attract have been… really messed up people.

Not all women want relationships either and the older they get the more jaded they get when it comes to relationships! Someone said on here that people are fake and I believe that unfortunately to be true! Partnering up is about attraction,… fortunate and true, nothing unfortunate about that. Let attraction reign for partnerships.

Horribly put. Being attracted to a gorgeous man or woman is not fake at all. That is what is fake. Beauty is beauty. It is not fake to like it. You are confused here. That is what the reality is. Not that people are fake. That just leads to further seeking of happiness with more materialistic things. After 14 years of marriage, my ex threw me out because the agency where I worked was downsized.

Being in my 50s, it is very hard to find work, I went from being part of a leadership team of an agency of over employees to driving a taxi. If you can live through the bad negative yelling screaming phases and all the disgusting things then you are a true one of a kind person that should not be taken for granted or not lose that person. God, if he exists, loves me so much that he gave me a congenital hearing impairment.

Then he gave me an ugly face so I would find it difficult, if not impossible, to find a partner and would have to suffer endless rejection. Then he gave me a weight problem and a metabolism that makes it impossible for me to lose any weight and somehow, maybe become even a tiny bit attractive to women.

Yep, God loves me alright. Yea he does loves you…. I love you I would say… You are not what people say or see you are you…. Some people are single for years because of unwanted outsiders always melding and pro-shaping their life with out that single person even knowing.

Thus, everything because fake, distorted and and that unwanted catagory becomes more of a state of mind and brain washed and scared for life. These guys out here are worthless ASF period. Al my exes have at one time or another stolen from me or abandoned me. My ex made me homeless 7 times I worked n got everything together again. There are genuine men out there. I am one of them. I have been cheated on an decieved several times. That makes me distrusting of woman but i know i willmeet someone whom will value my love and love me back someday..

True Said!! I m single and hadnt a good sence about that,all Human fears had been taged on singles! There seems to be a particular pattern-I meet a girl, she likes me, she turns out to be selfish and verbally abusive. And many times its happened. Should I seek a specific therapist? Is it too late for me? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Part of that is due to desperation. There are other people out there. As a woman who has been single for years, I understand the idea of just jumping in with the first available or in some cases, unavailable person who likes us.

Society no longer places emphasis on marriage, yet human nature is burning for partnerships. Talks about emotional maturity and how a lot of people are actually dysfunctional due to problems in their childhoods or their past or whatever.

Well said Erin! I wish the majority would think more like you. It would also cut mental illness in half if people were less pressured to get in to relationships. This list is awful and vindictive. Erin You are right. Living in a capital city for over 30 years and never having met anyone is really quite anapalling achievement which I am having to live with.

There is always an underlying reason. In my culture in an European country , families take care of each other even when married or in a relationship. If a man does not understand that, then there would be no men. My point- there ARE men out there who would be understanding enough that you care for your sick parent, and may love and appreciate you even more for doing so.

It could mean your job will still be there and probably even better performed when you have someone there who gives you much needed support. Not a single one. Being devoted to God also means submitting to him and his teachings. But no— having a loving relationship means loving, but weird. If people think that about you, perhaps they need to read the advice columns here.

There are a lot of people who stay single for religious choices. There are a lot who stay single for personal choices that are valid. I function on the job and I come home to my pets and my life. I spend time on occasion with friends and acquaintances, but not romantic ones.

I also fear that if I date again I might slide back into that terrible unfulfilling life I had when I was younger, the one where I spent all of my energy on romantic love and none of it on my family and my career and myself. I romantic interest would have to start by somehow reassuring me that the person was going to make my life better somehow not upset it. My ex and I broke up when my daughter was 3. Anyways, you explained exactly how I feel. Thank you.

I used to sabotage my relationships after my divorce in I got remarried in to the man of my dreams. Was I lucky? It was more than that. I did the necessary work to have him enter my life. I know that if you are open to it, it will happen for you.

I can share with you the steps I did to make it happen. Can you share the steps you took with me? I have heard that things happen when we are not looking. How can a person want something but yet not be looking?

Regards Marty. Because no men are interested in women my age 50s. Definitely all by their 40s. Men were not interested in me even when I was in my 20s. It has taken me 30 some years to get to be ok with my station in life. Life dealt me these cards. I am ok finally with my lot. They are not saying that there are not people that do stay single for their religion…. I hate it when people defend Christianity without even reading the bible.

If anyone actually read the bible as I did they would no longer be Christian like me. Words taken right out of my mouth! You nailed it. I wish I could have back the time I spent on dead-end dating when my children were little my husband left me when my little ones were 3 years, 9 and I have spent years working to put them through college and now have nice home and a vacation home. Men I dated wanted me to change my life for them.. They were looking at my income, homes, family life, profession and how they could move right in and have me help support them.

All of them had previous marriages where the wife did not work and they were paying large sums of alimony and child support. I find it amazing how men see professional women as financial assets before considering them as human beings. Men come to hate about you what drew them to you in the first place. Still, would love to be able to have a cool girlfriend without getting stupid and too involved again, which would cause me to lose myself again.

Jack: I am a 60 year old lady, 8 years divorced. Lost my true self in 28 years of marriage, family, and so on. I totally agree with you. I do feel lonely. Friends say it is such a waste for me to be alone. In the 8 years, I have taken the time to discover the real me and I enjoy my freedom of being single. I am not sure if I can handle a relationship or breakup again. I am not sure if it a new relationship is worth the trouble at my age.

I feel just like you. What about a child? Single parents often find themselves very isolated…. And not every potential partner understands the demands of a single parent or a person who is a carer for an aging parent or perhaps disabled sibling or even a disabled spouse. Life can be very complicated. One of the reasons to go to college is so you can get a job that pays well enough to supply your food and shelter needs.

Some people without an education have to work multiple jobs to barely scrape by. This leaves them exhausted and lacking time to nurture a relationship as well. At least when someone gets a degree, they may finally have more time for a relationship after getting a job in their field of study.

This response was exactly what I was looking for! I struggle with being single at my age while refusing to accept the choice that I have made. Earning my PhD is simply more important to me than marriage.

Thanks for your comment! It makes me feel so much better. Please reread the Bible. I look after an aged parent; my mum. What women wants go out with a guy who looks after and lives with his mum?! I lived 14 years away from my mum and when circumstances forced me to go back and look after I intended it would be for about 2 years however circumstances for varies reasons made feel obliged to stay.

I certainly did not want to! Also my parents divorced when I was My father remarried and divorced again my brother married a divorcee and divorced. My best female friend at the moment is my dog. Yet at the end of the day your furry canine friend is the most well-behaved and loyal being on the planet. My ex was obsessed with her dog. She liked dogs more then people it was a major scapegoat she used to keep herself from dealing with reality and facing problems.

Excellent post.. I scraped together some money and bought a rain forest in Costa Rica that was under attack by loggers. I created an animal preserve, got my Ph. It would take quite the man who would want to tromp through a jungle with me. My priority is making the world a better place. As I posted earlier, I have learned that the things that drew men to me initially, my projects, profession, wonderful sons, beautiful homes, financial security was what they came to hate about me.

They all wanted me to change, give up what I had built and stay home to cook and clean for them. No gracias.. Hi Al, I think a decent and kind woman would be fine with it, especially if she likes her own space. I went through taking care of a family member and lost my gf because of it. People dont like that.

They want everything but that. People said the same thing to me. Its a lie. I did not know all this about myself but it makes so much sense, and I feel empowered with the knowledge.

However, now what? I need part II. I want a do over! Now, not many available men my age, in these neck of the woods, who are interested in someone my age, and the kids are a long gone dream. But, sigh, what could have been. I learned more about myself from this one article than countless sessions from a couple of unhelpful therapists. Firestone is going to expand on a lot of the ideas she mentions in this article. Love is ageless Yvette. Be careful what you wish for and passionate about what you already possess and you will shine for all to witness!

Be well and never give up! M…Well,what about Gods timing in your life? I never read in the Bible that true love has a certain age.

My one teacher got married at And yes,read of so many who got married first time over 50 and older. Is that perhaps His timing? I hope so for me. And, for you. I will say a prayer about us. I wanted the divorce.

Who knows. Yikes Gods time makes sense. At 42 I have lost all interest in men except as friends. If God had wanted me to marry, he would have sent someone when I was 22 and actually wanted to be married.

That would be locking the barn door after the horse was dead. I get social needs met from friends, family of origin, and my church. As for other needs, I wonder if I even have them anymore.

I have a guy who is pursuing me from 6 years!!! And a guy I know from a year who I have a huge crush love??? Too scary even to admit … but he might be dating someone , we also have electrifying chemistry!!!

Oh and my best friend of ten years and me are very attached to each other in a way that resulted in our breakups with our respective partners few years ago. I must be a case study. The number that hit me like a bring was going home watching your show.

Not putting yourself out there. I can really see i need to make an effort to put myself out there alot more. No blaming other things, building the walls. When asked about it i respond, there is to mush there to tear down. Instead i need to be honest with myself and figure it out. First article that has hit home so hard. Thank You. My grandfathers 68 and recently married after 26 years of being alone.

Also my father 58 is engaged after 12 years alone.. Point is its never to late to find someone who makes you happy. Honestly I trully feel that people should marry have kids and be at that family point of life in their 40s or later..

They think they know what they want, until it proves to be a false hope. Love patience understanding all come with age. Men in many cases are still dogs, they search for pussy and are fulfilled once its found for a minute the divorce rate is so high because of men claiming love to get laid, followed by child, marriage, loss of attraction both physical and mental , degeneration of communication and therefore trust.

And finally divorce. After sharing so much and the jading on both sides continue because regardless of all of it they are linked by their child.. They wonder how to open up again.. Hence this article on reasons, fear is the biggest.. Spend it on new friends, if your lucky that one friend who stands to you may share the attraction and from that base you forge a new relationship.

But the classic saying still stands. Good friends are hard to find. I believe we get to know ourselves and figure out what brings us joy. When we get into friendships and relationships, we can then specifically ask for what we need and desire.

And, of course, listen to others and give back to them as well. No real original thought here and it seems more like propaganda for mon-hog-ami! Fear for even a slight criticism. I did many different jobs due to the same reason. Because I was not able to bear it. A single word, Look, Reaction makes me run away and it makes a disaster for me and my employer too.

I am very innovative and yes… very smart employee and they all knew it. Demanding unlimited love and affection. Though i know its very bad idea. Love cannot be earned.

Being romantic. Of cause romantic people tend to break easily once they feel and see other person is not romantic as he is. Diplomacy works better than romance. Romantic men are very sharp and sensitive from inside despite of how they look logical and smart when they walk alone in the street. If you are too enthusiastic and imaginative, be careful as your mind is fertile. No matter how much you love her. For a beginner, it may be too advanced. But its worth reading. I am 36 and never had a girlfriend.

I am not gay Just the thought of finding someone, to settle down, to have a family never crosses my mind. I never see a need to. I like your comment Dan very true. I was married for over 40 years and got divorced last year.

I now moved and started a new life in a different area. Joined local activities and clubs which I go to most days. My well being and mental health as improved and I feel 20 years younger. You must life your life the way you think fit not everyone wants to subscribe to main-stream views and lifestyles. Good luck with your life good health and happiness.

I hate how society tries to mold people into stereotypes. I love women but I also like having my own space. Personally, I find it difficult to relate to most people in general. I want to remain single because i have been cheated plus i am a religious guy..

And nowadays no girl is religious , they are just immature who love to booze and sleeping around before marriage. And i am virgin and celibate. Yep, typical Indian male mentality mindset. You just want a perfect girl naari to drop on to your lap without moving a muscle.

Dating is not for insecure men. And for some people love means something else, like their career, and till the end they are just happy that way. So what now? The question is what can I do to change and how?

Well i certainly do blame God for my singleness, and i never asked for God to put me on this rotten earth to begin with. Loneliness is no fun at all, and when your friends are settled down with their own life which makes it worse for us.

I have the same view but about men. My ex husband alcoholic gambler. My first expartner dumped me for a younger one and left me with his debts to pay. That one truly broke my heart. My second and last ex partner abused me verbally and physically. He stole things from me when leaving. Feeling lonely? Risk again? I understand how you feel, Just remember looks are the number one reason people become attracted to each other, next of course is money, so if you have a college degree and a great paying job you will never be lonely again, most women are looking for these factors, in addition go to the gym and get in great shape, all these things will increase your chances of some woman liking you, It is considered a trade off, you get what you want and they get what they want.

Hang in there, life is not fair and it is not our fault that god allows some people to be blessed with looks and others to be ugly. It is about time that someone admitted that looks initially causes someone to be attracted to someone else.

When one person first meets another it is impossible for them to be attracted by personality, only looks. If you are ugly like myself, especially as a woman, then you will remain single in spite of wanting to be in a relationship. I totally understand how u feel. Ive been there. My vice was binge eating. Thats how i coped with all my anxiety and depression. Ive been see o ng a therapist for 3 years, and she has helped me from hell and back twice.

Im now making an effort to live a healthy lifestyle mentally, and physically. We are our worst enemy. Start journaling to let your anger out. Now i have less anger d y e to journaling and 2 mile walks everyday.

I feel at peace with myself and finally value my life. Hang in there you will get it, just talk to your doctor and be honest towards yourself. I had to let some people know how i felt, it wasnt easy but you will get the courage to eliminate whats toxic in your life. If you lack a social group that can fix you up — as most singles do — then you have to consider other options.

Most of my friends come from college. That never happens. Like I said, there has to be a context. Yes i go out because i have to go out to work, i meet different people in that area because i work as a tax collector and a cashier. I have now been alone for 36 years.

Because I want to be. What you should do instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors.

If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago. What it is: Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it out yourself. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship.

What you should do instead: State your feelings and desires openly. What it is: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole.

Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times.

On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run. They got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.

So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and callous toward you. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times and vice-versa , you will develop codependent tendencies. All activities at home—even the mundane ones like reading books or watching TV—must be negotiated and compromised.

When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better. The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. What you should do instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. Some people may not be bothered by this, but if you are, then recognize this factor will affect your ability to trust your partner completely.

A partner who is controlling in any way likely has deep personal issues they must work on. Rethink your relationship if your partner tries to control who you see, who you talk to, where you go, how you spend your money, what you do online, what your body looks like, what you eat, or even what you wear. This sort of perspective deflects any responsibility and demonstrates a lack of respect for the people they once cared for and loves. If your partner struggles to make and maintain relationships , then that could indicate you will also struggle to connect with them.

Try to understand why your partner has struggled to build connections with others. If you discover a deflection, no personal culpability, or lack of drive, then you will likely experience the same treatment in your relationship. This red flag can sometimes tie into the last one. When each party has its own sense of self, it can enrich your individual selves and your bond. If someone relies on you entirely and always for their sense of happiness and entertainment, that can lead to feelings of suffocation, resentment, and unhappiness.

One of the best parts of being in a romantic relationship is connecting deeply and authentically with another person. For some, emotional intimacy is challenging but it should always be the goal.

A partner who shows no interest in opening up and bonding is a death knell for a relationship. In some cases, it might make sense to try to salvage your bond, but if your partner shows no sign of self-correction then it is probably best to walk away.

If you ever struggle with knowing what to do, speaking with a therapist can help. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Your Privacy Rights. To change or withdraw your consent choices for VerywellMind. At any time, you can update your settings through the "EU Privacy" link at the bottom of any page.

These choices will be signaled globally to our partners and will not affect browsing data. We and our partners process data to: Actively scan device characteristics for identification. I Accept Show Purposes. Table of Contents View All. Table of Contents.

What Are Relationship Red Flags?